since no one's reading a thing out here i think i can risk writing withou really dwelling too much into whether all this make sense at all..even if it doesnt..i don't fucking care at this point..because at this very moment..i belive that all these years ive only absolutely unneccsarily expected too much. from myself...and honestly beyond a point its not worth it...there's always been this want to be...clean cut proper...flawless...im not going to read this after im done..like i said a while ago i really dont care a fuck....read about a writer who says that he writes everyday for eight hours...ive been waiting for years now..for some kinda switch to go on and get me writing..its not so much writing as the fact i write that makes me happy..ya actually thats the truth..int he last 6 years ive changed..about 5 jobs...all except the last internship have nothing to do with what im doing now. im giving advertising a shot...never thought ill fit..i dont know whether i do. its been a week and ive still no clue what im doing..someone just barged over.startled and then like i said..i dont care a fuck. but then..yeah..its a little frustrating to be all kicked about this job...and ..you know..i think im being a little impatient..just waiting to be drowning in work..read this somewhere...if u work..and sleep and work and sleep..then all ur successes or failures can be an outcome of only these two activities..the more activities the more chances of being happy..so..ive decided may be i should join a gym..or sing with a band..essentially give myself a few more chances of being slightly gratified. now..its almost time to go..i want to get out of the habit of asking my boss to let me go...freddy mercury is an inspiration...ive been too scared..little things..wheres the outlet to emotion..havent..all this while..held on..just to fuckin please whom..waiting to be reprimanded..for a change...turned up the volume..always bothered about the volume...didnt want to be a nuisance..now like i said..i dont care a fuck...soul searching..i dont know..ive been to bothered..need to bother a little less....but somewhere i dont want to be rude..i dont think making a point to coward within warrants the need for me to bring out aggression.....want to smile..emote...im fucking opening the box...you know there have been so many chuts around that ive been patient with...there have been people whove ignored...acted like fucking...chuts and ive just been patient...im such a fuckin coward..the fear of getting into conflicts...i want to kill...jackson has been an inspiration too..he's been an inspiration to do things to the best of ur abilities..just push...tear urself apart to bring out the best..i love thriller..what a fucking song...what an intro...something evils lurkin in the dark....i want a prove a point to my coward self...what a fucking coward. im losing hair..it bothers me once a while......u heard the door slam.....need to assert myslef..what do i have to lose..ive been jobless in the past..close to saying that i was fired at my first job...and in hindsight i still believe i wasnt at fault..these thougths distrub sometimes lekin....i try to forget..some grudges..i hate heards. but i need to be a little more inviting..there are only a few things that im not scared to do..fearlessness breeds positivity...i came across this quote...i said dont mind but do you mean i am the one..aggression is good sometimes..but needs a rein...grew up on jackson...i need to use my skills more..they've been lying there doing nothing..ill forget how do what i do the best...if youve read this till here and wondering whatever...i dont care a fuck..small successes lead to big successes....need better control...and need to let lose at the same time...actually i need to losen up more...more that anything..i barely smile. i rarely smile....losing hair..looking out for my boss to tell him i want to go..im writing after long..didnt really..do you remember the time...what a song..it really goes..i dont know where..ekdum..climax..zabbardast...when im rome do what the romans do..leaving at 7. nothing happened at work today. some just asked me whether im writing an essay...like i said...anyways//oh the part i love the best...what a song. jackson..jackson hai..i cant stand rahman now..i think..not much of him...i always thought to myself..who do i really like more...jackson is way ahead/..i hope theres heaven..i hope God grants us a wish when we die..ill ask Him....Scarborough fair.....i can listen to it on and on and on..deep forest green.